Not my words!

Do you ever find it hard to express what your feeling? For me, very rarely do I find myself with a loss of words. The past few days and especially today perhaps too many thoughts and feelings flooded my mind, not necessarily a loss for words, but too many words to simplify. I have thought of so many things I want to write, and I am sure they will come. As the moving truck pulled out of our driveway and down the road….I cried.

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I just sat down to my computer. There are no chairs in my house. There is no drawers or dressers. There are not even plates and silverware. In fact my computer is upstairs sitting on the ground all by itself in my bedroom. I opened up my email and I got this letter from Tim. I cried….of course. Though not my words, it pretty much sums up alot of what I am feeling in a way…and I know that it is a little bias :), but after this week I will take it….if just for this moment. My feelings will come soon.

Dear Tandy,

I am sitting in our house tonight with boxes all around me, thinking of a lot of things. I am going to be writing a few letters to people on staff that have meant a lot to me, but wanted to write a letter to you first. Why? Cause you are the most important person in all of this.

I am truly amazed at you. I remember almost 10 years ago as you wore your jean overalls with the red shirt underneath. You caught my eye, my attention, and my heart. I remember how my heart would pound inside so heavy just to be around you. You were never a project to me, I just knew that there was something extremely special about you and I was curious and oddly scared to find out. It’s the very reason why I was nervous to date you. I new that if I was gonna find out what you were truly all about, then life would change forever for me.

Well, it did. I remember as we dated I could not get enough of you. I wanted to be with you and near you all the time. Nothing and no one mattered. Not friends, not family, not work… just you. I met someone who believed in me, supported me and brought a fun side to life that I needed. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Didn’t need time, didn’t need advice, my heart knew it and that was all I needed. I knew God had some things in store for us, and all I ever wanted to know was that the person I was going to spend life with was ok to take on the adventure with me.

Our life started out wild, fast, crazy, fun, exciting, stressful, overwhelming, and amazing. It was one big roller-coaster! Yet, you were willing to go for the ride. We bought a house that was more than we ever imagined. It was the perfect place for us. Blue carpet through out and white walls that would soon turn to yellow, then green, wood floors would be added, and much, much more. We made this place ours and made it how we wanted. Our fingerprints are all around. Within our first year we brought home a little package to this house that turned our world upside down. Cobe was the perfect gift needed in our life at that time. He made life fun and brought joy to our life in ways unexplainable. The house had a new vibe and life that we shared many memories and moments with. He has been everything that I could every think of writing in a list for a son. I look forward daily to just watch him and observe how he enjoys life from a far. The little boy in a dark blue outfit with the little Nike’s had brought new turns to an amazing adventure in our life. This small boy has become my best friend.

We had some tuff moments together in our journey, moments that didn’t make sense. Moments that made us at times ask tough questions to see what God was doing. There were moments that involved our own family members. There were moments that involved us and our children, and we grew together through them and somehow it made us stronger. You never gave in, never gave up, but were always that fighter that I saw back in the jean overalls and red shirt. The one that had that special something that had me nervous to explore.

In our dark moments we always found out that God was doing something great. Soon after some of life’s toughest times, God gave us our second greatest package. Since the day Cayden has arrived, I have been overwhelmed with a girl that I never imagined I could love. She is drama, diva, funny, precious, fun, and more than I could dream of. She is a glimpse of her momma’s spirit at times and the spunk of her momma in other moments. I am absolutely in love with her. She has brought memories to my life in this house that I will cherish forever. My little girlfriend grabbed my heart strings and has been strumming ever since.

We have seen many things in our time here. We have traveled the world together (Bahamas, Hawaii, Jamaica) and had the chance to involve our family in almost everything we have done. We have made friends that we will keep forever. Met people who have blessed us and seen God do some things that we could not explain. We have had people help us with our kids, people give us clothes, food, furniture, money, a car, and care that has allowed us know how much God has been in our life through this part of our adventure. We have had friends who have mentored us, and we have spent the last 8 years doing anything and everything to do our best in working through our life long relationship together. We have never given up and never quit. Even when times have been tough, we have sought out help to make sure that we stay together and stand by each other’s side. The girl in the overall jeans and little red shirt was more than I first expected.

To think that God wasn’t done with us, that this wasn’t the final stop on our adventure together? To think that he has something even more for us – truthfully… is hard right now. Although I don’t show it, my heart hurts. I am carrying a deep burden cause I am moving my wife away from her home, friends, and security. I am moving my kids away from the only life they have known. It’s hard, harder than I can explain. I love this house, this place and our friends as much as you. I love that my kids grew up here, that they played with the kids on the street and that we explored so much of life together here. I am more overwhelmed that the girl in the jean overalls and red shirt is willing enough to be obedient. That you are willing to do what God has asked of us and once again start out on a new adventure. When you caught my heart, it was the night your heart broke for the students on our summer trip. It was then that I began to glimpse a girl who was more worried about others in life beyond herself. This girl, who became my wife, has always put me first, our kids first, and other first. Your life has impacted mine more than I tell you. Your heart for Katrina, other peoples kids, malaria are just a few moments of realization that your life is always being lived for something bigger. Just didn’t think that the “bigger” moments would look something like this. I never imaged that myself and this girl who I wanted to be so near to all the time, this girl who made my heart pound so hard as if it was coming out my chest, would be my partner in starting something that would always be about helping other people. Tandy, you have brought wisdom to my life, support, encouragement, and joy that keeps me longing to be by your side. I am daily growing more in love with you, even as we learn more about each other through this adventure.

I know this time is tough for you. I know you have lots of fears and questions. Honestly…I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did. I want you to know that I would never do anything to harm you, let you down, or hurt you. I am just trying my best to do what God is asking. This time will be hard for us as was our journey before. But just like in that one, I know that God is going to bring along new and greater memories than we could imagine, that the next 8 years of our adventure would have unreal moments to tell about than before. That doesn’t mean I will every forget, just remember them as moments of encouragement when the difficult times come. I can only do this because you are by my side. Because that girl in the jean overalls and red shirt was everything I imagined as I watched her drive away that night in her maroon car. I am blessed to have you. I am grateful to know you and I am humbled to call you my wife.

I love you and want you to know that you are the most important person in all of this. You are more important than any of it. I will fail, I will mess up, cause I am human, but I will always do my best to make sure that our relationship continues to grow and that our family remains the strongest and most enjoyable thing in our life. Almost 10 years ago my heart only cared for one thing above all… you. 10 years later that love has only grown and expanded.

As I sit here late tonight I am reminded that this house has a lot of history in it, a lot of memories and a lot of life. We lived life here the best we knew how and we did our best to honor God as we did. Our kids have grown inside these walls to be more than I knew they could become. My little boy has grown into a young man way too fast. My little girlfriend is now my little Cinderella to dance with. In 8 years I never thought that the girl my heart beat so hard for, would provide so much. There is a part of me that will stay in this house forever with you, yet there is a lot of me left to explore a new world together with you.

Glad I wore those overalls….I love you Tim! *tear

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