Today was a mixed emotion day for me…well this whole weekend has been this way. Today not only do I turn 30, but my two beautiful children start school full time for the first time. I am surprised I could just type that sentence without tears streaming down my face. Cayden started Kindergarten and Cobe started first grade.
Last night as Tim and I sat and went through their school list one last time and packed in their supplies. I cried. Then we got their lunches together and I cried. We put them in the shower and I cried….OK I am crying now. We actually stuck to and accomplished bedtime at 7:30 (enough time to read and ask prayer requests and pray). As we kissed them good night Cayden jumped up on her bed squealing with excitement as if she could not wait another minute, and with her hands clasped she shouted “I cannot wait to start Kindergarten!!!!”. We spent 5 minutes just asking her to stop standing up and lay down. She had so many questions and silly comments. Then I bent down to kiss my precious boy and he pulled the covers over his head with only his little hands and the top of his spikey hair visible. When I pulled down the blanket to see his beautiful face I found tears. Through his tears he said “I don’t want to go to 1st grade”. Like night and day, my children were, right there in front of me. Tim laid down next to him and gave him a pep talk as I turned away and cried. Then when the lights went off and Cayden asked me to sing the lullaby that I rocked them both to sleep with when they were little, I turned my head and cried and then I told them daddy would have to do it because “I was getting stuff ready”. Then I went and stood in the hallway and cried as I heard them giggling saying “Daddy can’t sing”. But Tim came up and tried to sing and Cayden finished for him because he only knew the first two lines.
When they had finally fallen asleep I went in and laid down next to them and thought to myself “Is it really this time in their life? How? It went by so fast. Is this the little boy that used to wake us up all through the night only to end up in our bed playing with my hair and holding on to daddy? The boy who once called a giraffe a “fa” and an elephant a “fee” and who said “tadah” when things were going well and “oh mama!” when things didn’t go as he planned? And the little girl who so could not wait to get out to Kindergarten…is she the same little girl who I couldn’t wait to dress up in tiny dresses. The girl who who I would rock at night and wonder what she would be like? The one who used to want me to put makeup on her “ashleyes?”. Oh it killed me. Not that I cannot handle them in school, but it was more of a reality that they are not going to stop growing up and time is not going to stand still no matter how hard I hope for it. It doesn’t stop. My little tiny children who once depended on me for everything are gaining their first glimpse of independence.
So while these thoughts were running through my head and I cried, the phone rang. It was Kristen needing to tell me a funny story. I didn’t want to pick it up because I was crying and it was so “stupid” to cry, but I needed to talk to her. So I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and pretended like all was ok. In my professional voice I answered. Kristen’s funny story was that she was walking through Kroger and saw the little cars that the little kids rode in and she lost it. She cried all through her walk through Kroger. I let down my facade and let her know I too had been crying. We both laughed and asked if we were normal. Then another friend called and she cried with me.
So this morning. I started off well. I got up early. Dressed before the kids even got up. Then I made them bacon and eggs. I did the rundown of questions “Do you know how to open a bag of Doritos, Do you know how to put your straw in a Capri Sun?” I reminded Tim that we have to put a wet wipe in Cayden’s lunch because she is so messy at lunch and the kids might make fun of her…” My requests and questions went on and on. We did have 45 minutes left over because I had been so organized. So we went on the trampoline and then I took pictures.
When we parked at school Cobe started crying. I knew I had to be strong, but this lump in my throat was not going away. Cayden pranced into her class gracefully sat down and began her coloring assignment.
We kissed her goodbye and I took a deep breath. Cobe took Tim’s hand and walked down his hallway.
When we got to his classroom, almost all the kids were there and quiet as can be. As Cobe hung his book bag the knot in my throat got bigger.
The teacher showed him where he will go every morning to get his pencil box and then Cobe sat down. No sooner did he touch his chair then did he break down with the saddest cry I can ever remember. I leaned down and whispered in his ear “You can do this, you have what it takes. You don’t have to cry…you can do this, and when you get home we will have a big party” I then had to make my exit because the tears were coming with no chance of ceasing. Mrs. Thompson his wonderful teacher mouthed to Tim that she would take good care of him. But I was in tears around the corner. I did compose myself as to not let the other “experienced mothers” see me. Then when we got to the van Tim got to hear another break down and excuses of why this was so hard.
We went to Starbucks next and seeing the pumpkin loaf did help my day. Eating it even helped more. Two of my dearest friends stopped by with birthday gifts. I cried again. Then we all laughed because it was getting funny that I was such an emotional wreck. Then Tim and I spent the morning together (FYI, the Christmas houses are up and in motion at Michaels…GET EXCITED!) and now I am sitting in his office. Waiting….oh waiting until I can hear from my kids that there day was wonderful and I won’t have to worry anymore.