Do you ever find it hard to express what your feeling? For me, very rarely do I find myself with a loss of words. The past few days and especially today perhaps too many thoughts and feelings flooded my mind, not necessarily a loss for words, but too many words to simplify. I have thought of so many things I want to write, and I am sure they will come. As the moving truck pulled out of our driveway and down the road….I cried.
I just sat down to my computer. There are no chairs in my house. There is no drawers or dressers. There are not even plates and silverware. In fact my computer is upstairs sitting on the ground all by itself in my bedroom. I opened up my email and I got this letter from Tim. I cried….of course. Though not my words, it pretty much sums up alot of what I am feeling in a way…and I know that it is a little bias 
, but after this week I will take it….if just for this moment. My feelings will come soon.
Dear Tandy,
I am sitting in our house tonight with boxes all around me, thinking of a lot of things. I am going to be writing a few letters to people on staff that have meant a lot to me, but wanted to write a letter to you first. Why? Cause you are the most important person in all of this.
I am truly amazed at you. I remember almost 10 years ago as you wore your jean overalls with the red shirt underneath. You caught my eye, my attention, and my heart. I remember how my heart would pound inside so heavy just to be around you. You were never a project to me, I just knew that there was something extremely special about you and I was curious and oddly scared to find out. It’s the very reason why I was nervous to date you. I new that if I was gonna find out what you were truly all about, then life would change forever for me.
Well, it did. I remember as we dated I could not get enough of you. I wanted to be with you and near you all the time. Nothing and no one mattered. Not friends, not family, not work… just you. I met someone who believed in me, supported me and brought a fun side to life that I needed. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Didn’t need time, didn’t need advice, my heart knew it and that was all I needed. I knew God had some things in store for us, and all I ever wanted to know was that the person I was going to spend life with was ok to take on the adventure with me.
Our life started out wild, fast, crazy, fun, exciting, stressful, overwhelming, and amazing. It was one big roller-coaster! Yet, you were willing to go for the ride. We bought a house that was more than we ever imagined. It was the perfect place for us. Blue carpet through out and white walls that would soon turn to yellow, then green, wood floors would be added, and much, much more. We made this place ours and made it how we wanted. Our fingerprints are all around. Within our first year we brought home a little package to this house that turned our world upside down. Cobe was the perfect gift needed in our life at that time. He made life fun and brought joy to our life in ways unexplainable. The house had a new vibe and life that we shared many memories and moments with. He has been everything that I could every think of writing in a list for a son. I look forward daily to just watch him and observe how he enjoys life from a far. The little boy in a dark blue outfit with the little Nike’s had brought new turns to an amazing adventure in our life. This small boy has become my best friend.
We had some tuff moments together in our journey, moments that didn’t make sense. Moments that made us at times ask tough questions to see what God was doing. There were moments that involved our own family members. There were moments that involved us and our children, and we grew together through them and somehow it made us stronger. You never gave in, never gave up, but were always that fighter that I saw back in the jean overalls and red shirt. The one that had that special something that had me nervous to explore.
In our dark moments we always found out that God was doing something great. Soon after some of life’s toughest times, God gave us our second greatest package. Since the day Cayden has arrived, I have been overwhelmed with a girl that I never imagined I could love. She is drama, diva, funny, precious, fun, and more than I could dream of. She is a glimpse of her momma’s spirit at times and the spunk of her momma in other moments. I am absolutely in love with her. She has brought memories to my life in this house that I will cherish forever. My little girlfriend grabbed my heart strings and has been strumming ever since.
We have seen many things in our time here. We have traveled the world together (Bahamas, Hawaii, Jamaica) and had the chance to involve our family in almost everything we have done. We have made friends that we will keep forever. Met people who have blessed us and seen God do some things that we could not explain. We have had people help us with our kids, people give us clothes, food, furniture, money, a car, and care that has allowed us know how much God has been in our life through this part of our adventure. We have had friends who have mentored us, and we have spent the last 8 years doing anything and everything to do our best in working through our life long relationship together. We have never given up and never quit. Even when times have been tough, we have sought out help to make sure that we stay together and stand by each other’s side. The girl in the overall jeans and little red shirt was more than I first expected.
To think that God wasn’t done with us, that this wasn’t the final stop on our adventure together? To think that he has something even more for us – truthfully… is hard right now. Although I don’t show it, my heart hurts. I am carrying a deep burden cause I am moving my wife away from her home, friends, and security. I am moving my kids away from the only life they have known. It’s hard, harder than I can explain. I love this house, this place and our friends as much as you. I love that my kids grew up here, that they played with the kids on the street and that we explored so much of life together here. I am more overwhelmed that the girl in the jean overalls and red shirt is willing enough to be obedient. That you are willing to do what God has asked of us and once again start out on a new adventure. When you caught my heart, it was the night your heart broke for the students on our summer trip. It was then that I began to glimpse a girl who was more worried about others in life beyond herself. This girl, who became my wife, has always put me first, our kids first, and other first. Your life has impacted mine more than I tell you. Your heart for Katrina, other peoples kids, malaria are just a few moments of realization that your life is always being lived for something bigger. Just didn’t think that the “bigger” moments would look something like this. I never imaged that myself and this girl who I wanted to be so near to all the time, this girl who made my heart pound so hard as if it was coming out my chest, would be my partner in starting something that would always be about helping other people. Tandy, you have brought wisdom to my life, support, encouragement, and joy that keeps me longing to be by your side. I am daily growing more in love with you, even as we learn more about each other through this adventure.
I know this time is tough for you. I know you have lots of fears and questions. Honestly…I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did. I want you to know that I would never do anything to harm you, let you down, or hurt you. I am just trying my best to do what God is asking. This time will be hard for us as was our journey before. But just like in that one, I know that God is going to bring along new and greater memories than we could imagine, that the next 8 years of our adventure would have unreal moments to tell about than before. That doesn’t mean I will every forget, just remember them as moments of encouragement when the difficult times come. I can only do this because you are by my side. Because that girl in the jean overalls and red shirt was everything I imagined as I watched her drive away that night in her maroon car. I am blessed to have you. I am grateful to know you and I am humbled to call you my wife.
I love you and want you to know that you are the most important person in all of this. You are more important than any of it. I will fail, I will mess up, cause I am human, but I will always do my best to make sure that our relationship continues to grow and that our family remains the strongest and most enjoyable thing in our life. Almost 10 years ago my heart only cared for one thing above all… you. 10 years later that love has only grown and expanded.
As I sit here late tonight I am reminded that this house has a lot of history in it, a lot of memories and a lot of life. We lived life here the best we knew how and we did our best to honor God as we did. Our kids have grown inside these walls to be more than I knew they could become. My little boy has grown into a young man way too fast. My little girlfriend is now my little Cinderella to dance with. In 8 years I never thought that the girl my heart beat so hard for, would provide so much. There is a part of me that will stay in this house forever with you, yet there is a lot of me left to explore a new world together with you.
Glad I wore those overalls….I love you Tim! *tear
Many of you know that my Grandma passed away this past week. We had known she was sick, but nothing can prepare your heart for the loss of a loved one. She went fast and peacefully. The nurse was with her while she was eating when she took a deep breath. The nurse asked Grandma if she had done everything she needed to before passing on. She nodded her head yes and then the nurse asked her if there was anything she could do for her. Grandma replied “I would like to hear some gospel music…wait I hear gospel music”. She then asked the nurse to tell Grandpa and her kids that she loved them and she closed her eyes and went into a coma. In just 45 minutes she had died.
For me this was my first real hard death….I hope I don’t have to face another one any time soon. I knew I would cry. I knew I would miss my Grandma, but there were so many other emotions that I didn’t know I would experience. I grieved hard for the change that I will now face. I know Grandma is in a peaceful place, with no more pain or sorrow, but her death brought on another reality of life for me…it does one day end. I saw my Grandma’s pictures of when she was younger, she was beautiful. I found her high school diploma and tassle…now who would really care after her grandchildren? Would it be just another piece of paper with just another name? I carefully looked through the jewelry that she once wore. Some pieces I had never seen, some I recognized well. I curled up every night in the bed that I slept in growing up on visits, and I cried because in the morning Grandma was not going to be there. I watched my Grandpa cry so many tears and then laugh at some funny story about Grandma. Knowing that he now too had to adjust to life without her, far more than anyone else. Then there was the hard first time experience for my kids, death of someone they knew.
Tim and I had many talks the last month on discussing death with our children. We debated on letting them see her body or letting them not really get close to the situation. After seeking some council (supporting both sides) we decided we were going to do as we do with all situations, be completely honest. We knew that they were old enough to understand a lot and Tim and I felt that though they were close to Grandma, they were not attached as if it were their own grandparents. Cayden cried alot. Mostly from the sadness she felt from Grandpa and others around. We prepared them to view her body. Death is all part of life and in fact death is a very important part of what we believe. Jesus had to die so that we could live. We told them they could touch her. Cobe asked if he could refrain. We told him of course, but he chose to touch her anyway. We let them say and ask whatever, which led Cobe to say very respectfully “That would be freaky if she just popped right up out of there”. We silently laughed and agreed. All throughout the visitation Cayden would go to the casket and whisper things in Grandma’s ear. She whispered that she loved her and that she would miss her. Cayden seemed very in tune with the situation. She hugged Grandpa several times throughout the visitation and chatted with many of the older visitors. Grandpa kept saying “that’s my girl, you lost your girl, she is mine now!” Cobe was withdrawn, although I could see in his eyes he was just as heartbroken as Cayden. He just dealt with it differently.(Here he is while everyone else is chatting away, he is deep in thought looking at Grandma’s casket).
During the funeral Cayden sat by my mom and Grandpa at times. She leaned on their shoulders and held their hands. She teared up often. Especially when Grandpa fulfilled my grandma’s request to “tuck her in” one final time. My mom sang without crying, but we all lost it when we heard my grandma’s voice sing a song from years ago. It was a beautiful ceremony and the burial was just as nice, and sad. The kids had their share of questions and once again we let them explore every aspect of the burial. In fact my entire family was very good about answering questions and not hushing them. Everyone also included them in the entire process. It was a good learning experience for them. Sad, but good.
So here I am today, home, sad at times. I cry here and there. I know I miss Grandma, but sometimes I think I cry because I have that reality of change now more than ever. If only for this time, I hug tighter and laugh harder. I am trying to live life now while I am young. I am taking time to enjoy my kids a little more, and love my husband (who by the way did a GREAT job holding down everything while I was emotionally and mentally out of it) more!
On a side note, it did comfort me somewhat that my Grandma’s head stone will be near a Foust. This is the last name of my dear friend. I know it’s weird, but it is slightly comforting.
**These pictures were taken by my husband upon request of my twin sister who was unable to attend. She had said her good-bye with Grandma the day before she died. Then her family headed back to Michigan, not expecting her to pass away as suddenly as she did. By the time they had heard of her death they were too close to home, and she could not get any affordable flight or a returning flight. We missed her, and she hated not being there. F.Y.I. I don’t just carry my camera everywhere. If you look closely you can see my nose as proof that I was not taking the pictures.
So much has happened in the last few weeks that I have not had time to write and inform you (drum roll please!) OUR HOUSE IS NOW FOR SALE!
Tim had the sign waiting in the yard when I pulled up one Sunday afternoon! I have to admit I had tears rolling down my face when I heard the news that this would actually be happening. I quickily hid them from the friends that were driving in the vehicle with me. I didn’t want them to see how silly I was being. It is a wonderful thing that we have worked so hard to get our house to the perfect point of selling, and yet a part of me was so sad. The last 8 years in our house have been filled with so many wonderful memories and I can honestly say I LOVE my house! We have tailored this little house and made it OUR home! This is the only house my kids have known to call home. The only house they have learned to crawl and walk and giggle, and smile in as their home. Their rooms are the only rooms that they have had as their own. They have friends that they have made on the street that are their friends and now we have to start over.
Another aspect of this “house for sale” thing, is trusitng God. It has not been a challenge yet (I am hoping it won’t ever be), as our house has only been on the market a few weeks. I know that this house is going to sale. The hard thing is, not know HOW it is going to sale. I drive around and see all these sale signs up and there are a lot. As we all know. But I know in my heart we are to be making this move. I know that God has this in his plan. So I know our house is going to sale. One night I laid awake praying…and praying…and praying…not sleeping, but praying. Then out of know where a picture of mustard seeds popped in my mind. This is unusual because I do not think like this. I was like why are there mustard seeds in my head and then I thought of the “faith like a mustard seed” story and I was once again reminded of what faith can do. So I know we are going to sell this thing! It is beautiful and I hope whoever moves into our home finds as much joy in it as we have.
For those of you reading…pray for my family, pray for my house to sale. This has been a rough few weeks. I know God is amazing and I trust in Him completely. But pray for strength for my family!
Tonight I tried to hold back tears as my little boy prayed for his classmate. These words came out of his trembling little lips
“Dear Jesus please help my friend Carowine. Help her to come home and finish out our first grade season. We love her very much”.
I officially met Caroline when I started helping out in Cobe’s classroom. She is an unforgettable little girl who I have yet to see have a shy moment. Her little smile cracks me up and I often tell her she is “crazy” (and I mean that in a great way). I actually find myself laughing alot because every time I try to take a picture with her around she pokes her face in line of the shot RIGHT as I am trying to take a picture of another kid. It never fails!
Tonight my heart is so sad and broken and I am writing to BEG anyone who reads this for them to pray for this beautiful girl. She was rushed to Scottish Rite this past weekend with the most severe Pneumonia you can get. She has been placed in the ICU on a breathing tube until her infection gets better. She has been running a high fever and now has a rash that covers her whole body. My heart breaks for her mom and dad who have hardly left her side. They have not been able to talk with their daughter for almost a week. I know you face what you are handed, you really have no choice, but it is not easy to even imagine, yet to have to face that reality. Please pray for strength for Caroline and for her parents. Pray for endurance to get through this road that has been laid before them.
Caroline is one of the most silly, vibrant young girls I have ever met. Please pray that God brings her through this quickly. We want to see her finish her first grade “season”
When you are a little child you never know what kind of family you will marry into. As a young girl, I would often dream about the man I would marry, but with my ADD mind it never went much past that. It was, in fact, partly because of my father-in-law that Tim and I ever got together. If it was not for his love and forgiveness and the ability to laugh off silly mistakes I would never have gotten to know his son…the man of my dreams.
My father-in-law has always been a consistent source of strength and comfort for our family. He has often put us before his own needs, just so we felt loved. The day I married into the family (and quite some time before) I was his daughter. WOW! How lucky was I to have a man that loved me like his own child. I don’t say this lightly. He truly has always loved me like that.
When Cobe came into this world Tim, Sr. jumped at the opportunity to be EVERYTHING to his first grandchild. He interacted and played with him from day one. When Cayden showed up on the scene (Dear Lord!) “grandad” could not wait to step into a “girl’s world” to see what it was all about. He has endured that hair and make-up far more than any man should ever have to and yet, he always had a smile on his face about it. My children love their granddad! They can hardly wait until we see him again, and cry crocodile tears every time he has to leave. He has created these moments, because he has chosen to give all of his love to my children withholding nothing. Even if it means looking like a flat out fool (sorry but it is true!)
Granddad is the best!
The most important thing I am so wonderfully thankful for, is the man and father that Tim, Sr. was to his own children. He taught my husband how to be a man of God. He taught him perseverance and strength. He showed my husband how to love a woman and never give up. You cannot say that of many men today. He had to adjust to having a daughter when I came into the family. He has had many adjustments with me, I assure you that, but he has always loved with his whole heart, and he has always made decisions for his family out of our best interest.
Happy Birthday Dad! I love you and am so thankful that even though I did not dream you up, I got everything I could have ever hoped for in a new dad! I am blessed for knowing you and overwhelmed that you love me and my family. I love you! You are the best! AND you are pretty hot too!
Keep on ROCKING!!!!!
The Amazing Ms. Schrein! Look how the kids love her!
I LOVE when God does little things that let me know he is thinking of me. You know those little things, that no one else would even think was specifically for us, but I just know they are all woven together in God’s little plan. That is exactly what I feel about the day we met Ms. Schrein (and every day after that involves her). Tim and I showed up for Kindergarten Registration so nervous (o.k. I was nervous). If you have read my blog in the past you KNOW how big of a deal it was to me for the kids to start school. Ms. Schrein came out of the little Kindergarten interview room and took Cayden by the hand. Here they talk to the kids and ask them information just to see where they are at in their learning and so forth. Well apparently my daughter was also nervous because in a rare moment she was speechless. I could not believe it and honestly part of me was a little embarrassed. That performance side in me was coming out and you know how important first impressions are. Well, Ms. Schrein had to summon me back to the interview room where Cayden sat on my lap while I tried to nervously talk her through talking. I think I even threatened (oops!). But it was when Ms. Schrein started encouraging Cayden that her little shy moment faded into a confidence , and before long we couldn’t get her to STOP talking. Gotta love first impressions right? They are never predictable with Cayden.
Then the second time we met Ms. Schrein, was on Kindergarten open house. This was not one of my better days. Cobe misplaced the keys to the car, Tim was in the middle of speaking at work, and we were not going to make open house. Oh I have had finer moments. We lifted every cushion on the couch, checked under ever mattress, looked in the wash machine and dryer, but we could not find the keys. With only minutes left to make open house we found the keys and rushed to the school. I was frazzled and truly felt like the loser mom walking my kids in to the school so late. We missed the classroom tours and my kids were devistated. We caught the tail end of the informational speaking in the library and as we sat there tears started to fall down my face. EMBARRASSING! Not only was I late, freaking out about giving my babies up, but here I was trying to conceal the motherly tears that fell from my eyes. It was not a good day, until we walked out and saw Ms. Schrein. Cayden immediately recognized her and I could tell she felt calmed by her presence. She kindly walked us down to the classroom (even though she should have been heading home to her family) and gave us a tour. I was taken back that this teacher would take time for us without even knowing us or knowing if Cayden would even be in her class. She made us feel so welcomed and I felt a weight being lifted.
The days leading up to us receiving our letter of who would be Cayden’s teacher grew longer and longer! She just kept saying her teacher was Ms. Schrein but I knew she would be so upset if it were not so. We prayed and prayed and the day the letter came Cayden and I jumped up and down by the mailbox when we read that indeed Cayden’s teacher would be Ms. Schrein!!!!
The Kids on the first week of school.
From day one Ms. Schrein let Tim and I know that while in her classroom Cayden was like her own child. Not just Cayden, however, but every single classmate in her class. I couldn’t believe it, and in fact was shocked when I actually witnessed Ms. Schrein being the mother hen to my little chick! What better feeling for a mom saddened by letting her baby go than to know that the teacher she was sending her too would look out for her just as I. That was an overwhelming feeling. Cayden loves every minute of school. I couldn’t even get her to skip school. In fact the three days that she had to be out with a 104 fever, I had to bring her to school after the final bell rang so that she could give Ms. Schrein a hug. She just loves her. There is a reason for that. Ms. Schrein cares for each child. She pays attention to their needs. Not just physical needs, but emotional needs as well. She also makes sure that each child has their individual learning needs met. I cannot even imaging that responsibility, but Ms. Schrein takes it on with ease.
Every kid gets a hug when they leave!
For all of these reasons, I was so proud to witness Ms. Schrein being “crowned” with the title of Teacher of the Year for Dugan Elementary School! Ms. Schrein you are amazing. Every day you face our kids and you take time for them. You love them. That is more than any parent could ask. I know that God gave us a teacher like you for Cayden. She has never had one bad day. She learns well and thrives to achieve goals that you set for her. She is encouraged and motivated by you. She is a good student because you care to take time for her. Tears flood my eyes when I think of the sacrifice you make as a teacher. You are just a small chapter in our life (unfortunately) but we will remember you for our whole life because of who you were and are to our daughter. Thank you. From this parent who never has it together you have touched our lives in a way you will never know. YOU ROCK!
Everyone had a great day on teacher of the year day! Cake and Sprite is a great way to celebrate!
Ms. Schrein encourages and motivates!
I do have to give a shout out to Ms. Morris who works right along side with Ms. Schrein. She is amazing as well and should get ParaPro of the year. She keeps things in line and I know Ms. Schrein would say that her classroom would not run the same with out Ms. Morris. We love you too! You guys rock!
Today my husband informed me that he may never go back into the school with me again. Why? Well yesterday I high fived him in front of a teacher and then later informed the teacher that Tim used to be on the gymnastics team and can do three flips in the air on a trampoline. I thought that is something amazing to be proud of! So today we went to school (I will post about it later) and I was talking to Cayden’s teacher’s husband. Her whole family is amazing, but when I get around new people I talk with out ceasing. I get sooooo nervous. I want to make a good impression and then I end up doing the opposite. Tim kicked me AT LEAST five times under the table as we sat in the room waiting . His hardest kick came when I informed Ms. Schreins family that I stopped at their house when I saw their last name on the mailbox just to see if it was Ms. Schreins house….but I let them know I was not stalking them. Tim informed me that many times I asked questions but did not give anyone the opportunity to answer. I KNOW!!!!! I just get so flabergasted that my mouth travels faster than my brain can stop it.
So my request is to those who have yet to meet me or have just met me, please know that I don’t talk to hear myself, I don’t talk alot because I think I have so many great things to say. I just talk. It is like there is the machine in my brain that is forming scentences and my mouth cannot wait for the brain to process on what I should say or not. So my mouth wins the battle and there it is in the form of words.
Oh, and I am proud that my husband can flip on the trampoline! He rocks!
Since Tim and I have made our decision to move to Orlando and start a church, our life has been crazy! There have been moments when I am not even sure what we are doing, but know that God is asking us to do this. When Tim and I got married we never thought WE would be the ones to take such an adventure, but through learning and growing, it seems God has a different plan than what we may have originally planned.
Our decision came one night in October. Although it was rather sudden, this had been on Tim’s heart for quite some time. It was I who did not feel ready. I know how important planning is (even though I am not a great model of it). One starry night (I don’t know why I remember that, but we actually were laying on our newly paved basketball court and it was starry ) we were talking about some meetings that had gone on and I knew it was our time. Tim knew too, and now there is no turning back.
Everything has been falling into place, but it is tiring and consuming. Sometimes it feels like the end of the finish line is near and other times it feels as though it is a mirage. The last two weeks has been the hardest we have faced yet, since this journey began. We went to Florida to get some things settled. Though there were many wonderful moments, there were things that I know Satan used to attack us . I was feeling overwhelmed. On day 3 of our visit, our car window was smashed in and I had some important camera stuff stolen. It was defeating. It was a reminder of crime. Though it happens all around us in Atlanta, it had never happened to us directly. Now it was happening in our new home…and it left me feeling a little insecure. Not to mention the fear of my children. They had a real hard time understanding it. Questions all day long of fear came through tears. We had to constantly remind them that God was going to protect us. I knew home owners was going to cover our physical loss, but only AFTER the 500 dollar deductible. That meant some of our stuff could not get replaced right away. Through this we never doubted our move or anything, it was just disheartening.
One day, while in Florida, we drove around just looking at places to live…not to make definite plans, but just to look. After visiting one apartment complex, we realized that we may be needing to rent a house . Then we drove around some more wondering exactly what area we should move to and not knowing. Then just deciding baby steps were better for us….but that became overwhelming too.
I must mention I love a party! I like to SHOW UP for a party. I don’t love to plan a party. I am not extremely good at it. I try, but I forget important things and so I would rather show up for a party instead of plan one. This party, this life party, I have no choice in. As much as I would love to show up to FL and walk into a house that Tim had picked out just for me, and have a church to walk into all ready to go, that just is not going to happen. So it overwhelms, and at times, even though I KNOW with all my heart we are to be in Florida, starting a place where people feel loved by God, I loose focus. I start to doubt exactly how we go about things. Is this really going to work out? Are we really doing what God is telling us? I feel peace, but when I start to look at EVERYTHING….I get overwhelmed.
This was the trip I also started to feel the reality of the move. I started to miss my friends and the reality of living two streets over, or right down the road. I started to think about not being able to stop by to play Mario, or get breakfast, because we were all out of food . Things that took me a good amount of time to build in the wonderful state of Georgia. Realizing I would have to start over, well, it was just overwhelming.
Then we got home and minutes after unloading we started cleaning and boxing up stuff. Tim started painting and putting in light fixtures. I was emptying piles…and gathering warehouse of hope stuff. All the while my laundry and dishes are piling up because I am not a multi-tasker and cannot do too many things. So it gets OVERWHELMING. That day a very dear friend called. She had watched our lab all week and was calling ME to thank me for the little t-shirt we had left for her son ( a small price to pay for watching our dog all week ). I expressed some of my feelings to her. I knew that this was what God was wanting for us, but gosh I felt like I was drowning. She recited a verse to me from Hebrews.
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised” Hebrews 10:35-36.
It was just what I needed to hear. That night I read the entire chapter and I just marinated on the words. Now I am not saying it got easier after that…because in fact it got a little harder. When Tim was out of town for the night our wash machine hose came out and soaked all of our carpet in the downstairs area. So now I was trying to catch up on laundry, clean the house, pack, and I also had to soak up water, then wash the towels and then soak the water up again. I cried. I was starting to feel overwhelmed, but I went back to Hebrews and read the verse again and held onto it.
Then Tim and I began discussing some future changes and plans. It got stressful and overwhelming and well, it was just not good timing. So there was distance and it took a day or two to work through that. Satan was doing his best to tear apart what good we do have. It was overwhelming, but I kept thinking about the goal, the path if you will, that has been laid in front of us. The words “Do not loose your confidence…” kept ringing through my head. I cried and felt overwhelmed, but I knew God had us in His hands and I just needed to take baby steps.
A few days ago Tim came in the house and announced that the mail had come. He set it in front of me. I looked down and noticed a white envelope with Tim and my name on it. I opened it up and inside was a note wrapped around some twenty dollar bills. It said:
TIM AND TANDY
THE LORD PUT THIS ON OUR HEARTS AND WE HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT THIS GIFT.
WE LOVE YOU.
I counted the money and it was 500 dollars!!!! Our deductible! I cried like I have never cried (I am crying now). Not so much that the financial burden for that moment had been lifted (because let me tell you, for me and my husband it was incredible), but because I did not feel alone. I felt loved. I knew that God was taking time just for us. I knew in that moment that there were people out there who loved Tim and I. They cared enough to sacrifice because they cared about us and this journey that God is taking us on. Tim walked outside and I curled up on the mattress (that was in the kitchen floor along with all the other bedroom furniture in the living room…all the process of getting our house ready) and I cried harder than I have in a long time.
I know things are not going to always be breezy and amazing. My fairy tale world has its flaws. But I am confident in He who has began a good work in me, in us, in those that believe in what we are doing, will be faithful to complete it. There is nothing better than that. Will I cry? Yes often I am sure. Will I get lonely? Of course. Will I feel defeated and overwhelmed? YES! But I will not forget that God is bigger than all that surrounds me. He has shown me time after time after time.
Thank you to those who gave to our family. My heart swells with unexplainable emotion. I cry (not kidding) every time I think of you. I do not know exactly who you are. I do not know why you chose to love Tim and I and the kids like you have, but thank you. You have done far more than provided financial support in all of our craziness. You have given hope and a reminder of how great He is. Wow. That is amazing, and I am left OVERWHELMED!
I haven’t had a lot of time to write….and I hope to soon fill you in on my side of the move, but I have to tell you this little story (nothing major, but sweet)!
My son Cobe has been taught, since the birth of Cayden, that he is to stick up for her no matter what. There have been a few times when he has been pulled inside and set in time out for failure to comply to his orders. Most of the time he does his “big brother” responsibilities well.
At the present time our little girl is very consumed with relationships. She knows that she is not allowed to have a boyfriend, but that does not stop her from getting involved in everyone elses love life and occasionaly unseemingly picking up an interest herself. There is a boy down the street named David. David makes his rounds and has even managed to sneak a kiss from Cayden (once on the cheek and once on the hand). This is not allowed at all in the Grandstaff house for obvious reasons.
David has a friend (a best friend if you will) named Davis. Cayden pretends like she cannot stand him, but everytime you say his name she giggles. Not to mention she about DIED when he walked by her and I in the hallway at school and I said hi. So yesterday on the way to Chic-fil-a night this conversation took place.
“You did?” said Cayden smiling
“Yup, I told him dat, I did” said Cobe in an almost proud way.
Curious, Tim inquired “What did you do?”
Cobe said adimately “I told David he better tell his BBF, I mean BFB, I mean FBBF….” and then he stopped out of frustration.
Cayden leaned over and whispered “BFF” almost in a proud way so that her brother could finish his heroic statement.
“Yeah, I said ‘you better keep your BFF away from my sister or else I’m gonna punch you in the face!’” said Cobe with force
Cayden smiled proudly.
Tim said “That’s my boy!”
When I found out that Cobe was a boy, I am going to be honest, I cried one single tear. Tim cheered along with all the men (Boppa and Grandad) in the room. I didn’t know the first thing about a boy. I learned fast and enjoyed (and still do) ALMOST every minute of it. Then my heart sprang with joy when we found out we were having a girl. I honestly could not have chosen it any better…in any different order. Cobe looks out for his little sister. I know that the road is far from ending for this boys job, but he does it well. He is my perfect protector for Cayden. What a lucky little girl to have such a brave BRAVE boy looking out for her.
*We do not promote violence in any way in our house, but if Cobe has to take it out on a boy for getting a little too close to my girl, I am not going to deny that he may get rewarded.
When I was 6 years old, and all grown up in my opinion, I was allowed to get my ears pierced. NOW, I had the opportunity at 5, but after watching my twin go through it, I decided to wait another year. Pain is not my forte. I don’t handle any kind of uncomfortable well. During labor with Cobe (which ended up being a emergency c-section) I had my mind made up that I was going to go as long as I could without the epidural. I had told Tim during birthing classes that this was my decision. He was to help coach me through the labor until I called for the pain releif. All was going well. In fact I was dilated to a 6 with no pain. Epidural? I laughed in the face of the Epidural…UNTIL they broke my water and I FELT my first contraction. Oh yes, I knew it was only getting worse after that and I summoned my “coach” to call the anasteseologist asap.
On this day, when I was 6, however, I didn’t even cry. I was surprised. I was calm. It was pretty impressive if I don’t say myself. In fact I thought I should deserve some kind of acknowledgement since only a year before my sister had cried like a baby…but not me. I was brave.
I had forgotten what an amazing feat of strength that was until one of my daughter’s best friends decided to walk down the same path as I. At 3 months old, Cayden had no choice. No matter what she was wearing people called her a boy. So I gave her beautiful earrings with the help of Jennifer Marblestone and a nice Indian man.
But Hailey, who was going on 6,
she had the CHOICE, and she was ready to make that step. A step into growing up. A decision that she had been begging for. So it was time.
At first she was confident. Then they started marking the dots where the holes would be placed and you could see her confidence turn slowly into uncertainty.
And then it was time for the real thing and Hailey wasn’t so sure anymore. So her mom, Kelly, tried to coax her with a sucker. Cayden went from holding her hand to hiding because she could not handle her friend going through so much pain.
It must have done something for her, because Hailey agreed to proceed.
Scared?…
Oh wait! It wasn’t that bad….
Hailey LOVED the result and in fact spent the rest of the short time with us on cloud 9, or whatever cloud you go to when you think you are the DIVA of the world. She was there with her side kick enhancing every part of it.
Hailey is proof to all you other ”going on 6″ year olds of the world that beauty is pain…well, not all that much pain…but it IS beauty!
Hailey I love you and I am so proud of your step into being a girl! Wear your bling with pride and when you get your earrings out I am going to buy you some big dangly earrings like your mom bought Cayden. You know the ones that she refused to take off, no matter where she was going. The ones that practically touched her shoulders. Yeah those. ANY big pair you want! You got it!
